Lyudmila Petranovskaya about how to live in Lada with children. And yourself

Do not communicate with the ex -spouse after the divorce and interfere with his meetings with children. Not so long ago it was a pretty common situation. Times are slowly, but still changing. How exactly, says our observer, psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya in the preface to the book “Independent Mom”.

More recently, during the time of our great-grandfathers, the divorce was a rarity, something almost incredible. Marriages were the same as now, different, happy and not very, but they were usually preserved. And if the children remained with one of the parents, then only as a result of the tragedy – the death of the father or mother.

Then the times changed, and today we retain the married union only if we are really good in it. And do not hold on to the relationship if the union has ceased to be happy. It is legally easy to divorce, it does not become a financial disaster or a collapse of social status. But it still hurts. Loss of marriage is always the loss of a loved one, an important relationship. Often these are many severe experiences: resentment, jealousy, anger, disappointment, longing. You need to cope with this.

And if the child is nearby is small, not understanding anything, or older, suffering with his parents, or a teenager who has a family crisis to his own crisis?

When a wave of divorces swept over the country in the 1970-80s, few adults could think about children. All forces went to the fight against “him” or “her”.

Very often, after the divorce, children could no longer see one of the parents (usually father) and even grandparents, aunt and uncle from his part. It was considered quite normal to “open your child’s eyes” on how bad the second parent was. It was common to arrange a “scene of jealousy” to him if he still missed and wanted to communicate.

Many men sincerely believed that since they no longer love this woman, then the children now have nothing to do with them, and in general they should not “this bitch”. Blinded by resentment and disappointments, adults did not think at all about the feelings of children, did not cherish them, could not become a reliable support for them in difficult times.

I recall the story of one famous actress about the birthday of her six -year -old son. After a noisy day with guests and gifts, the boy still did not go to bed, everything was spinning by the phone. Mom understood: he was waiting for a call from her father, with whom she had a very painful divorce and extremely bad relationship. The phone was silent. The thought of calling the “this villain” did not even occur to her mother.

And it was a pity for the son, but the malevolent thought visited: here, let him see that his father does not need. As it turned out later, at the other end of the telephone wire at that time, the boy’s father was sitting, whom he wanted to call him all day, but did not want to talk “with this hysteria”.

Modern parents are ready to study and change, and most importantly – to remain adults even in difficult periods of life

Fortunately, his mother already had a new husband, and, fortunately, he was a foreigner, with other ideas about how to behave with a child after a divorce. At first he could not understand what was happening, and when he realized, he could not believe that adults, parents, were so infantile and cruel to the child.

He demanded a pope’s phone, dialed him, and a minute later a happy child had already heard his father’s voice, he slept sweetly after half an hour, and the next day his dad arrived with gifts, and it turned out that adult insults and claims were nothing compared to his joy.

But the vast majority of divorced mothers did not have foreign husbands, there was no one to help them see what was happening differently. Therefore, the children were tormented, learned to hide their feelings so as not to be angry and not to upset their

mother, mothers decided that “he forgot everything”, and the dads drank quietly on the birthdays of children alone.

Because divorce appeared, as a right, given by law, but the culture of a divorce, safety precautions, primarily for children, was not. The consequences of this are still raked by adults now people, sometimes independently, sometimes with the help of psychologists.

Times are slow, but change. Today, getting divorced or making a decision to raise a child not in marriage, parents are increasingly understanding that they are responsible for him, for his feelings. That their own decision to change (or not change) their life should not become a disaster for him, should not shake his belief that he has mom and dad, they both love him, will protect him and take care of him, even if they now live separately.

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